What self-sabotage looks like…

I used to think (and share with others) that I was a ‘jack of all trades’ and a ‘master of none.’  

The truth is…that wasn’t true at all. 

It was simply one of the self-sabotaging behaviors I used to keep myself small/ stuck/ feeling like I’m always one step behind the life I actually want to create (even though I’d say I wanted to play bigger, make an impact, bring my full self to the world, and flourish through and through). 

That particular flavor of self-sabotaging behavior (and there are many, my friends) is called, Downplaying. 

I’d downplay the fact that I have studied with some of the most renowned experts (along with many ‘not so known’ - yet deep in their wisdom teachers) in the field of wellness, mindfulness, & embodiment. I’d also downplayed the incredible success my beautiful, life-enhancing business has had over the past decade because it wasn’t the most ‘status quo’ idea of success that would state, ‘it’s all about titles and money, money, money.’

My success was more in the ballpark of passion, purpose, courage, an attitude of gratitude, and the complete loss of any stress over the subject of money as I had learned the skill of knowing how to make what I needed and then some (as well as understanding what ‘enough’ and ‘more than enough’ actually meant for me). I’ve never had a “fancy” title or made hundreds of thousands of dollars in my business, so I thought, “oh, I’m going to just be really humble when I speak about it - or not speak about it all.” The truth is, I wasn’t being humble. I was self-sabotaging through downplaying and therefore perpetuating status quo ideology that success is simply, ‘titles and money, money, money.’ 

I really started to notice this particular self-sabotaging behavior this past year when I joined a coaching community. In our group sessions, we’d tell ‘our story’ bit by bit, through listening and being heard by the whole group or in breakout rooms. I started to see that they all saw a masterful mindfulness and embodiment teacher/coach who has made an impressive and honest business out of the crossroad of her skills, her passions, and the world’s needs. 

I started to wonder, “Why have I been downplaying so much? What am I getting from this?” Well, ask deep questions, get deep answers (that often cut to the core)…

A rush of childhood core wounds came flooding in. I moved a lot as a child, so making friends became a ‘survival tactic.’ When I was 12 we moved to yet another city. I met a very popular girl over the Summer and we became best friends. Then school started. She introduced me, the new girl, to her friends. Quickly I started to become very liked. Her friends were intrigued by my already adventurous life (most of them had never left their small ‘city’ or really even their neighborhood). 

Then one day, everything changed.

I arrived at the house we would all met at so we could ride bikes to school together. I knocked on the door, no answer. I looked in the window, nothing. I could hear the girls inside laughing and whispering. Eventually, very confused, I left for school, alone. 

When I arrived, it was as though every friend I had made had never known me or completely turned a 180 and suddenly had a great distaste for me. 

I spent the rest of that year being pushed up against lockers, things thrown at me in the cafeteria, threatened, and alone. It seems that ‘best friend’ of mine spread a silly rumor around the school about me, making me the target of emotionally challenged tween and teen angst.

I learned later from an “insider’ that she didn’t like that I was becoming so popular, so fast. It ‘seemed weird’ and ‘who did I think I was anyways.”

At age 12, I learned that it’s ‘safest’ to make myself seem less impressive to others so they don’t feel threatened and possibly create an ‘unsafe’ experience for me where I feel I don’t belong.

So now I’m doing the work of moving through and beyond this self-sabotaging habit of downplaying, that a core wound created within me when I was 12. I’m 41 now, so I really needed an operating system reboot and it feels great! I’m doing this through mindfulness, embodiment, telling a new (more true and beautiful) story about who I am, the life I’ve had, and the life I intend to create, as well as being surrounded by support from my mastermind group - people who are also on this courageous and vulnerable path of self-discovery, personal development, and healing. 

If this story resonated with you, I invite you to explore the coaching community I have curated called FLOURISH: the experience  

For 11-weeks (beginning Jan 11th), you’ll explore patterns of self-sabotaging behavior through our group Grace + Guidance Gatherings, along with getting total clarity and confidence on the life you want to create through diving deep into writing your unique story in 9 major dimensions of your life (from relationships to your work in the world). 

We will also have opening and closing circles for deepening trust, a manifesting retreat, and you’ll have 1-year access to my membership, RITUAL, where we meet livestream 2x’s a month on or near the new and full moon for embodiment practices. In addition, you’ll have access to ALL the replays for all of 2021. So even if you’ll miss a few of the live sessions, this experience can serve you deeply and fully. 

PLUS! I’ve extended the 2-hour, 1-on-1 offering. ANYONE who joins us before the new year will receive this (not just the first 5). I’ve had people tell me that one belief unpacking session equated to 1 year of therapy and that my planning and organizing sessions have changed the way they not only do business but the way they do life….because stress and overwhelm have decreased so much they feel their whole life got an overhaul. 

Hey! Look at me not downplaying. Feels good to own my truth and greatness (even if some people feel threatened by it). I know where my heart is now with sharing my mastery and I’d love to help you get here as well…because darlings, the world needs us to be relentless in bringing our full self to it. 

PS. Join me on my Instagram live this Thursday, Dec. 31st, 2020 (11am PST) as I dive into other patterns of self-sabotage and what you can do to move through and beyond. Let’s consider this a collective ‘updating of mental software’ before we move into the new year. 

Loving you so much.

From my tender, yet fierce heart…to yours. 

To bringing our FULL selves to the world…together.